AMULET GONNA FUCK YOU UP
by Thomas Mundt

This right here, this here amulet? This here amulet gonna fuck you up. Bought it
off a Polynesian to quiet them loud-ass brain ghosts but it ain’t brought but
sorrow. Now it’s in this here glass case, fixin’ to creep on the next man.
Connivin’.

 

JESUS SAVES
by Marcy Campbell

I was under pressure from management to boost weeknight attendance. We’d
given haircuts in the outfield. We’d trained a goat as bat boy. I’d worked with the talent
agency before, hiring clowns, jugglers, strolling magicians, but this Jesus they sent me
was a problem.

He was standing in the dugout in his sandals and robe, along with our sponsors’
mascot, a soft pretzel. When I explained my plan for the race around the bases, he said,

“It’s undignified.”

“I already paid for you!” I replied, yet he refused to run.

“I’ve always wanted to pitch,” he suggested.

So with the fans primed for 7th inning stretch shenanigans, I sent Jesus to the
mound. I realize it’s no feat to pitch to a pretzel. Yet, when that wad of twisted dough
went down swinging after three strikes from the Almighty, I tell you, there wasn’t a soul
left in his seat.

 

FIG PASTE
by Caroline Zarlengo Sposto

“Did I answer that last one okay? It was a weird question.”
“Which question?”
“How I feel about suicide bombers.”
“Sure.”
“How long have we been in here?”
“Long enough to miss our flight.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. We’ll sue.”
“Still, I feel bad. I just figured my Fig Paste wasn’t a liquid, so I packed a couple jars in
my carry-on to take to your parents. It’s your dad’s favorite.”
“I understand.”
“When they come back, I’ll offer again to eat some in front of them. Maybe they’ll let us
go.”

 

 

 

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Thomas Mundt lives in Chicago.  He is the author of the short-story collection You Have Until Noon to Unlock the Secrets of the Universe (Goldfish Press, 2011).  Read more at www.dontdissthewizard.blogspot.com.

Marcy Campbell lives in Wooster, Ohio, where she’s wrangling her children and her novel-in-progress (sometimes simultaneously!).

Caroline Zarlengo Sposto lives in Memphis, Tennessee. She is the poetry editor for Humor in America. http://humorinamerica.wordpress.com/

 

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